E: A Novel - Couverture souple

Take that fucking Walkman off, get your arse in here and show me how I do an all-staff e-mail. Every time I click “ok” on the address it copies it to Miller Shanks Helsinki.

First, a happy new Millennium to each and every one of you. Thank you also for sacrificing your bank holidays today to come in and begin the bid for the Coca-Cola business. As you know, in two weeks we pitch for this most prestigious advertising account. To win it we must all perform out of our skins.

Daunting as it may seem, I know we can scale this peak. Those in doubt should take a look at what we have achieved in the last twelve months. When I joined you at the beginning of ’99 we were in the doldrums and Jim Weissmuller in New York gave me a mountain to climb.

He said, “make Miller Shanks London big again.” Pitch wins for Freedom Mail Order, the LOVE Channel and Mako Cars, the Philippines’ premier automotive manufacturer, have catapulted us back into the Campaign top twenty for the first time in eight years.

He said, “make Miller Shanks respected.” In the Marketing Week survey that asked clients which advertising agency they would most like to work with, we rocketed from 45th to 33rd.

He said, “win awards.” I brought in Simon Horne to shake up the Creative Department and do just that. His efforts are already paying off, with Pinki and Liam’s fabulous ads for Kimbelle Panty Pads scooping bronze at Creative Circle.

We can all be extremely proud of our efforts. We are still a long way from the summit, but “base camp” has been established and the final assault beckons!

Let’s break camp, attach our lines and get off to a flier in 2000 by adding an $84 billion brand to our client list.

Go, go, go!

David Crutton

CEO

Your e-mail I think is coming to me in Helsinki by mistake, but it’s notwithstanding fun to be reading about my chums in London. I was not realising that mountaineering was possible in Old London Town. Most fascinating!

By the way, is there any help we give you with the Coca-Cola pitch? It is a very popular drink here in icy cold Finland, especially with our many “groovy” young folk. As fellow CEO, I am asking my red-hot creativity department to have lots of brilliant ideas for you.

While I am on cyberspacenet, can please you get me tickets for Great Balls of Grease? Mrs. van Helden and my good self will be visiting in London at 12 February. We will be packing our crampons.

Your pal, Pertti

Get your fucking nose out of Miss London and explain why, despite your best efforts, my last e-mail went to that pathetic twat, van Helden. And get me two tickets for Great Balls of Fire or Grease on 12 Feb. I don’t think the gobshite Finn knows the difference.

I would like you all to join me in welcoming Katie Philpott, who joins us today as a trainee account executive. Katie will be working in Harriet Greenbaum’s group on Mako. She will add her spark and vivacity to an already lively team. Please give her the warmest of Miller Shanks welcomes.

Daniel Westbrooke

Head of Client Services

Sadly, Fiona Craigie has decided to leave us and is no longer David Crutton’s PA. I am sure you will join me in wishing her well for the future. Lorraine Pallister will be temping until a permanent replacement arrives. Please make her welcome.

Rachel Stevenson

Personnel

You will need no reminding of the Coke pitch. This is the big one.

Excalibur.

The Holy Grail.

Eldorado.

The Most Famous Brand in the World.

David Crutton and Dan Westbrooke will brief us at noon in the boardroom.

Be keen.

Be sharp.

Be clever.

Above all, be there.

Si

Simon, I know this might be a silly little thing, so excuse my pedantry. I do not mind you calling me Dan in private, but to the great unwashed, please refer to me as Daniel. The diminutive sounds far too familiar, and as Head of Client Services I find it pays to remain a little aloof from the rabble! See you at 12:00.

James, my duties as Head of Client Services mean that I am far too busy to bestow upon young Katie my traditional welcome of tea and muffins. Since you are the account manager with whom she will be working most closely, may I request that you take her under your wing and make sure that she is familiar with our ways? Suffice it to say that I would not wish a repeat of what happened with the last trainee.

Susi, darling, be an absolute treasure and make sure all the creative teams are aware of the Coke briefing at 12:00. And get me a pot of decaffeinated and some of those itty-bitty cinnamon biscuits they have in the kitchen.

Doing it right now, darling . . . Sx

We are loving your ironicalism. “Pathetic twat, van Helden!” There is nothing to beat English humours. Benny Hill, Love Thy Neighbour, Are You Being Severed?. We see them all on Satellite Golden Hits Station. However, we are not comprehending “gobshite.” It is in not one of our excellent dictionaries.

“I’m free!” – Pertti

Katie, profound apologies that I will be unable to sit down with you this morning. You have joined our happy family at the busiest time and I find myself caught up in getting the Coke pitch off to a roaring start. I am sure that you must feel a little dazzled by the glamour of it all, but you will find your feet in no time. I have attached a crib sheet that sets out the key roles in our agency. Previous neophytes have found it to be indispensable. Any questions, ask James Gregory, whom I have appointed your “big brother.”

ATTACHMENT

CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER – il maestro, le chef de cuisine, the head honcho and the person with whom the buck most certainly stops.

HEAD OF CLIENT SERVICES – The power behind the throne, if you will. Custodian of all the agency’s clients and responsible for the performance of everybody in the Account Management Department. A crucial part of his job is to approve every CREATIVE BRIEF before it goes to the Creative Department. These unassuming forms are the “sacred texts” without which no piece of advertising can be conceived. It is fair to say that with such a spectrum of responsibilities, a Head of Client Services must possess both fierce drive and a passionate vision.

ACCOUNT DIRECTOR – In charge of day-to-day running of one or more accounts; runs a team of account managers and executives; in turn reports to the Head of Client Services.

EXECUTIVE CREATIVE DIRECTOR – If the Head of Client Services supplies the client with an expansive blank canvas, then the Creative Director applies those vivid splashes of cobalt, verditer and vermilion that bring his humdrum products so gloriously to life in the nation’s parlours.

THE CREATIVE TEAM – Each comprises of a COPYWRITER and an ART DIRECTOR. The Creative Director allocates creative briefs to teams and then nurtures from them their finest work.

Hi Katie. I’m James and I’ll be your account manager on Mako. Dan Westbrooke has asked me to keep a close eye on you. I’m up to my neck organising this afternoon’s Mako meeting (usual bloody panic), but I’ll clock in with you later. In the meantime, enjoy reading the attached. It was penned by some anon. copywriter and has been handed down through generations of trainees. It tells you all you need to know about how your typical agency works (or rather, doesn’t).

ATTACHMENT

CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER

Some CEOs have been known to have a brass sign on their desks that reads “the buck stops here.” This is either a misprint or a bare-faced lie. It should say “the buck starts here.” The CEO is in the highly responsible position of having to designate the mug who will officially carry the can for whatever mire the agency has landed itself in. All he/she needs for this are a comfy and ergonomically designed swivel chair, an internal phone list and a nice, shiny pin. Decisions, decisions . . .

HEAD OF CLIENT SERVICES

Sounds grand, and so it should because this title was invented as compensation for those witless Account Directors who will never, ever make CEO. They have no power whatsoever, but if they begin sentences with “as Head of Client Services . . .” often enough, it will make them think that they do. This title also impresses at cocktail parties where no advertising people are present.

ACCOUNT DIRECTORS

Lightbulb Joke #1:

Q – “How many account directors does it take to change a lightbulb?”

A – “How many would the client like it to take?”

This tells you all you need to know about account directors.

CREATIVE DIRECTORS

All creative directors are Useless Tossers. This fact has been established in a number of clinical trials. It doesn’t matter how good they were before they were creative directors (and, no kidding, some of them were certifiably brilliant), the moment they settle into that palatial corner office with the wide-screen TV and Bauhaus furniture, they assume the mantle of Useless Tosser. This phenomenon has baffled the few scientists who give a shit, which, to be frank, isn’t many.

CREATIVE TEAMS

Legend has it that the modern copywriter/art director creative team was invented in the sixties by the advertising luminary, Bill Bernbach. This is bollocks. In fact it couldn’t be more bollocks if it were wrapped in a soft leather scrotal sac and suspended between the hind legs of a bull. The truth is that the first team actually paired up after seeing David Bailey’s iconic shot of the Kray Twins. Upon viewing these infamous East End gangsters performing their patented sneer into Bailey’s Box Brownie, our embryonic duo were gobsmacked. They figured that if they too joined themselves at the hip, wore natty suits with skinny black ties and contrived to look well ’ard, it would serve to scare anyone from account management off who had the temerity to suggest “a few little tweaks” to their work.

Lightbulb Joke #2:

Q – “How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?”

A – “Fuck off, I’m not changing a thing.”

Sorry guys, but can you excuse me from Coke? They represent all that is wrong with the Western capitalist socio-economic model and my yoga teacher would never forgive me. In any case, Liam and I are up to our necks on the Kimbelle Super Dri Pads launch, which should keep us v.v.v. busy for the next couple of weeks. Sorry, etc . . .

Thanks for the e. Didn’t understand most of it, but guffaw, guffaw anyway! Haven’t the foggiest what I’m supposed to do yet, but if I can help with your Mako meeting – pens, pads, that sort of thing – give me a shout. By the way, what happened to the last trainee? I’ve heard some rumours, but no one will tell. Katie P

There goes another 1,000 years. How was it for you? I stayed in with a Safeway korma, Jose Cuervo, my new Sony Vega and my Barbed Wire DVD, which includes never-before-seen outtakes of Pammy’s tits – I recommend it if you’re around for the next one. Don’t know if I’ll see you at the Coke briefing. Pinki’s just e’d Horne with another moral stand. Wonder how the sad old git will talk her round this time – watch this space.

The story is that the last trainee spent his first month sitting by the fire escape waiting for a proper desk. He got hypothermia and sued. Don’t worry, things have changed. That’s why they stuck you by the big copier on the 3rd – you’ll overheat rather than freeze.

Room to let in cosy central Balham flat.

· Near shops, buses and Jet filling station

· Pine kitchen

· Neighbourhood Watch area

· Non-smoker preferred

· Must like cats

· And gerbils

· £380 PCM

· First to see will move in!

Call x4667 – Nige.

Unbelievable – the first bank holiday of the year and I’m sitting in the Miller Shanks creative department staring at Vin and trying to come up with a campaign for Freedom Mail Order. Told him we need a visual idea. He’s the art director, so it’s his problem now. Our Millenniums in brief. Mine’s a total blank – woke up in a skip in Westminster at five am, 1 Jan, but had a spectacular view of Big Ben as I leaned over the edge to puke. Vin was in Berlin and was so depraved he can’t bring himself to tell me what he got up to. On the way back he was gutted that the Y2K bug didn’t kick in and make the Airbus drop from sky – figures the adrenaline rush would’ve worked wonders for his hangover.

Don’t bother e-mailing him. He made a New Year res’ to get computer literate. First thing this morning he got me to fire up his Mac and log him onto Notes. He had 4,735 unread e’s. He freaked and made me switch it off. Hasn’t said a word since. I gave him some Crayolas and a pad and he’s started to recover.

Is there anything the dizzy cow Pinki will work on? She won’t do Camel for obvious reasons; Army Recruitment because she’s antimilitary; Action Man, ditto; Floréal Haircare because they torture kittens. For Christ’s sake, she won’t even work on Everest Double Glazing because they screwed up her mother’s replacement windows. You keep saying she and Liam are the best creative team we’ve got, but have you thought that her delicate political sensibilities might be better suited to a different business? (African famine relief work comes to mind.) Look into it, because ...